Should you stay with your parents or move out?

Uncategorized Jul 01, 2019

Today’s question is either to stay with your parents or to move out? This topic is pretty interesting as many of the youngsters tackle this question especially in Asia as it is Asian, Singaporean type of culture where you feel obligated to stay with your parents until you get married and buy your own house which is pretty expensive in these places. So people end up staying with their parents for a really long time.

Usually these things happen when you stay with your parents, right.

The first thing is your parents actually want the best for their kids but the truth is they don’t have right framework to see the world from new generation point of view and it gets pretty complicated. It get hard to make your own decision when you stay with your parents and they definitely try to impose certain beliefs and decisions onto you and you also try to impose your beliefs on them which brings a lot of resentment in the relationship and can actually turn out to lot of conflicts.

The second thing when you live with your parents is that their set of beliefs is guided by a useful set of beliefs that worked well 30 years ago. It’s not the same world of going to school, get a job and work until you turn 70,80’s. This isn’t the strategy that works well in this generation. You should make your decision being clear on what you want to do and where you want to be rather than just kind of live what society or culture or your parents tell you that you should do. It's just the nature of being somebody that's been in the same family as someone and it brings so much resentment, it brings some guilt, it brings some shame into the culture as well, into our feelings and it just makes it really hard to be a proper adult. Especially for masculine people, we need freedom and need to stand for ourselves and we cannot live under shelter of our parents. It doesn’t mean that you destroy your relationship with your parents, but the thing is, if you move out and no longer stay with you parents it could actually help with your relationship a lot and help you to live your life with your choice and decision.

In Singapore or in another country like Hongkong, it feel very non filal and anti-asian thing to live separately from your parents but in western, people get it a little bit easier. However, we always actually have the option, it's just a matter of whether we perceive to have that option or not, and I mean even if you're not earning that much money I would probably encourage saving up and just taking some money off your salary to pay rent. It does seem expensive but with the amount that it develops and helps you grow as an individual, especially if you are responsible for your life, the upside is just so much more than the downside.

Hope you really enjoyed the video. Bye.

Hey, it's Wayne, and the question today is to stay with your parents or to move out?

And I thought it was a pretty interesting topic to cover since it's a question that I see a lot of my friends tackling and I have at some point tackled this question as well.

It's a very Asian, Singaporean kind of culture thing where we kind of feel obligated to stay with our parents, and a lot of us stay with our parents until we get married or we find a house and, you know it's pretty expensive to buy houses here. So people end up staying with their parents for a really long time. Usually there are three things that happen when you stay with your parents, right.

The first thing is that your parents actually want the best for you and I think most parents want the best for their kids. They just don't have the right framework and the right mental models to see the world as is necessary for our generation now. So every generation the mental models will always change and when our parents' generation wants us to live with their mental models it gets pretty complicated because it brings a lot of negative feelings and even though they want the best for you, right I'm in the school of thought where you have to learn to make your own decisions and when you stay with your parents it's very hard to make your own decisions.

They will definitely try to impose certain beliefs onto you, you will also try to impose certain of your beliefs onto them and this kind of you imposing beliefs onto them, them imposing beliefs onto you, brings a lot of resentment in the relationship. And the resentment actually turns out to be quite a lot of conflict so the second thing I noticed right, is that when I actually moved out from my parents personally, and obviously I love my parents a lot and I love spending time with them.

However, when I lived with them it's a situation where I just cannot handle it, mainly because their set of beliefs is guided by a useful set of beliefs that worked well 30 years ago. Right now, if you're in your twenties, in your thirties, it's not the same world and going to school, getting a job, working in the same job for five, 10, for 50 to 70 years of your life, I mean working until you're 70 or 80 or 90 isn't a strategy that works well right now.

And you want to be sure that you are actually thinking about this and making decisions based on what you want and what it means... Why you want it, be clear about why you want it and do what you truly want to do rather than just kind of live what society or culture or your parents tell you that you should do. It's just the nature of being somebody that's been in the same family as someone, we all have the feeling like, "Oh, they should be doing this." Or, "Oh, we wish they would be doing that." And that kinds of brings so much resentment, it brings some guilt, it brings some shame into the culture as well, into our feelings and it just makes it really hard to be a proper adult.

I mean I can't speak for the feminine people out there, especially the ladies, but for the masculine we need our freedom and we need to stand for ourselves, and we cannot live in a setting where we are under the shelter of our parents. It's very hard for us to live with that same kind of masculinity as if we actually became an adult and moved out and lived for ourselves. I'm not saying to destroy your relationship with your parents, I'm saying that if you move out, and you no longer stay with your parents, it could actually help with your relationship a lot.

Personally, I've gone back and forth, travelled overseas a lot and when I came back to Singapore, I realized wow, I was not happy living with my parents. Even though I was earning quite a lot of money back then already, I felt really difficult to talk to my parents, to tell them, "Hey I wanna move out because I don't want to live with you guys." It feels very non-filial and so anti-Asian to kind of do that kind of thing, right. Especially if you're in Singapore or in another country like in Hong Kong I guess, where the city is so small everybody just lives in the main city.

I think the Western people get it a little bit easier. They can move abroad for college; they can move abroad for school and in Singapore we don't really have the option. But we always actually have the option, it's jut a matter of whether we perceive to have that option or not, and I mean even if you're not earning that much money I would probably encourage saving up and just taking some money off your salary to pay rent. It does seem expensive but with the amount that it develops and helps you grow as an individual, especially if you are responsible for your life, the upside is just so much more than the downside.

All right, so I hope you really enjoyed this kind of video and I'm kind of speaking about issues that are a little bit closer to my heart and to my friends' heart. If you like this kind of video definitely let me know in the comment section down below, and until next time. Bye!

 

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